The Enemy is Us

The Truth

Here are the statistics. One woman in every three is sexually assaulted at some point in her life. One man in every six is sexually assaulted at some point in his life (and many believe this is an underreported statistic).

Here is another statistic. You are more likely to be assaulted by someone you know than by a stranger. (75% to 80% rapes are from someone the victim knows.)

Additionally, 73% of women and 98% of men reported using internet porn in the last six months. And they have likely watched someone who has been trafficked into the sex industry at least once. We know this because 49% of people rescued from the sex trafficking trade say that "pornography was made of them" during the sexual act for which they were trafficked. By the way, sites like Porn Hub have no way of controlling whether or not the video was made legally or not.

Furthermore, if we take 49% and divide it by the estimated amount of people that are currently trafficked for sex (4.5 million to 12.4 million), we find that roughly 2.2 million to 6.1 million people are illegally filmed for the purpose of making pornography. (Side note, 88% of pornography features physical violence, and child pornography is the largest growing sector in the "adult" film industry.

The Implications

So, where am I going with all of this?

Sexual assault and harassment have been a significant problem throughout history. However, these issues have received just pushback in recent years both in Hollywood and in the #MeToo movement.

Since the advent of the #MeToo movement, I have been mulling over what the next step should be. And that has brought me to think about the role of forgiveness in this movement.

I remember the first time I heard of the #MeToo movement. I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw a few friends post #MeToo. Interested, I performed a quick Google search to see what the hashtag was referencing. I quickly found that people who had been sexually harassed were supposed to post #MeToo on social media platforms. My first thought was “'harassed?' if we are talking about harassment and not assault, then every woman can write #MeToo.” And that is the problem.

Only one week before reading about the #MeToo movement, a man at a food bank yelled out that he was going to rape me. He went on to explain, in graphic detail, how he was going to do it. And not a single person stood up for me. The room had about 50 other people in it.

I can also add my name to the one in three women that have been sexually assaulted and one in four women who were sexually assaulted as a child. I understand the pain, fear, and trauma one experiences from sexual assault because I have lived it.

But the truth is this issue isn't just related to women. The majority of men I have dated have described situations that happened to them that women would call sexual harassment. I even had one male friend describe a situation where a woman clearly raped him. But none of these men recognized their situations as harassment or rape. Men are not talking about this because I don't think they feel like they're allowed to—or maybe it is because they haven’t been taught to recognize when someone is sexually harassing or assaulting a man.

A few brave men did come out in the #MeToo movement, but frankly, many men were not welcome in the space. I even saw a couple of women flat out respond to their posts that this was a "women's movement." (More on men being left out of this movement here.)

On a similar line of thinking, remember Jan in The Office? Remember how she treated Michael? There are several scenes where he is sexually harassed or assaulted by Jan, and yet, we as the audience are supposed to find it hilarious, because he is the man. If Michael were the woman, we would not be laughing.

The Log In My Eye

Before I get much further, I want to pause and take the log out of my eye.

There was one time, after having sex with someone, they told me that they felt I was too aggressive during sex. I brushed it off. I have put down someone for not being able to perform up to snuff. I have spoken ill of men I didn't think fit the male stereotype.

I have stood by and said nothing as a woman put down a man for not responding sexually to her. There were other times where a woman was sexually harassing another man, and I also said nothing (and this has happened on multiple occasions). I am 100% positive there are other things I have done where I didn’t realize the negative impact I was having on someone. The person I have harmed, though, undoubtedly remembers the details clearly.

In the context I just shared, the words #MeToo takes on a new meaning.

The Enemy is Us

Going deeper, if so many people are sexually harassed and assaulted, do we really believe the harassers are limited to a villainous few? Especially when, as we have already covered, you are most likely to be harassed or assaulted by someone you know?

But what happens when someone either confesses to or is "found out" for sexually harassing (or worse)? They are burned at the stake. We are in an atmosphere where misdeeds of the past—even if they've changed—destroys a person’s life.

However, how would you respond if you knew all of your husband's, boyfriend's, son's, brother’s, cousin's, or friend's sexual misdeeds?

Remember, you are more likely to be assaulted by someone you know than by a stranger. And if one in every three women are sexually assaulted, and 75%-80% of assaults are by someone they know, the chances are good that your husband, boyfriend, son, brother, cousin, friend, or someone in your circle have, in the very least, sexually harassed someone.

So, the question presents itself, are we ready to face the facts and have hard conversations? And, at the end of those hard conversations, is there room for forgiveness?

The Future Is Forgiveness

I've seen something going around on Facebook about the Bebemba tribe in Africa. As the story goes, when one of the men harms someone, they set the offender in the middle of the circle of people. The people in the tribe then spend two days telling that man about all the good things he has done. (I should note that there is debate around whether or not this is an actual ritual or a made-up story.) This story is usually shared with the sentiment that this is how we should respond when someone does something wrong.

It does sound wonderful. However, how would people feel if the person sharing the story included that the wrong the man did was rape? Would they still think he should spend two days hearing about how good a man he is?

We love forgiveness until it is something hard to forgive.

I am nervous about sharing this next part. I am anxious because I am about to quote a bipolar person, and we know what kind of stigma comes along with that. But I’ll take the risk.

I was hit by something Kanye West said in an interview with David Letterman on Letterman's Netflix series, My Next Guest Needs No Introduction (2019). West talked about men living in fear of something coming out that they did in the past. Letterman, rightfully, argued the fear men live in is nothing compared to what victims have to deal with.

Letterman’s thoughts were a little interesting, given Letterman’s past misconduct. At the same time, I think Letterman’s confession and later humility for his past mistakes also serve as a good model for other perpetrators.

But West also had a point. What if the perpetrator has changed? Is there a way to talk about sexual harassment that allows healing for both the perpetrator and the victim? How can we expect perpetrators to learn a new mode of behavior if we don't also offer a way to a new life?

If people (mostly men, but women too) didn’t live in fear of losing it all when they confessed to past wrongs, would they be more likely to come forward? Would we find greater healing?

Can we create an environment where someone can raise their hand and admit their darkness without being burned at the stake? Do we live in a society where our past is the only predictor of the future? Or do we want to create a culture that allows for forgiven pasts and new beginnings?

I know this is complicated. I 100% agree that people who molest and rape should be held accountable for their actions. Bill Cosby should be in prison. Men cannot use their power to elicit sexual favors. That is wrong, and there do need to be consequences.

However, I also firmly believe, as I reasoned earlier, the problem of sexual harassment and abuse is not relegated to a few monsters but is rampant in our immediate networks.

Given this logic, how do we move forward? I think there is a way.

The #Poweroflight

First, start with yourself. Think hard about ways you may have injured another in the realm of sexual misconduct or harassment. Confess it, and then, if possible, tell the person you victimized that you are sorry.

Two, ask your spouse (or someone you have emotional intimacy and equity with) if they feel like they have been guilty of harassing, assaulting, or abusing others. Or, in the very least, ask if, given the statistics about trafficked people and pornography, there is a chance they have supported the slave trade through pornography. Then prepare to bring light into their darkness.

Hidden deeds cannot be changed; change only happens when we bring acts into the light. Don’t be afraid of shining light into dark places. World change starts at home.

In our current world, those who sexually harass and assault are enemies. It is hard to forgive the enemy. But as Walt Kelly wrote in his iconic comic strip, "We have met the enemy, and he is us." Can we forgive us?

I, for one, believe there is power when someone can bring their darkness into the light. I think that in the light is where healing happens — both for the victim and for the perpetrator. We must extend ourselves beyond hate and shame. If there are no new fundamentals, then Martin Luther King Jr. was right when he said, "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”

Let’s love our enemy. Let’s love us. Let’s change the world.

A Few Final Notes

If you have been sexually abused, please seek out resources and talk with a counselor.

If you have sexually abused or harassed someone. Get honest with yourself, and then get honest with others. I would also start with counseling.

In preparing for this article I was reading about the #MeToo backlash where men are distancing themselves from women in the workplace. Honestly, I get it. I think there is a lot of fear on both sides, and there is a lot of progress to be made for all to clearly understand what is and what is not sexual harassment.

Finally, this IS NOT a woman’s movement. In my research, I was shocked to learn that at least 36% of trafficked children are boys and I read a few studies that had that number equal to the number of girls (not women) trafficked.

Men are sexually harrassed and do experience sexual abuse and until we allow men to have a safe space to realize that they have also be victimized, they will not experience the healing they need to end the cycle.

I think encouraging men to share their stories will also help bridge the gap in understanding what is and what is not sexual abuse and harassment. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t think that just men have a problem recognizing when they have been sexually harassed, I think that we have a cultural problem with understanding male-targeted sexual harassment. We need to change.