These walls: a prayer
I originally wrote the below about a month after the family moved out. I thought when I had my own space back, that magically feelings of frustration and anxiety would disappear. (Spoiler alert, they did not.) Below is me just working through my feelings as honestly as I can.
Walking around these walls
I thought by now they'd fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle's won
For You have never failed me yet
Have you heard the above song? I thought, prayed, and cried the words of this song during a tough season. The family was living with us and I was so broken. I prayed for redemption and for healing over the family but I also often felt angry with them. I felt angry over having to share my space, my home, my things, my money, and my time. Even though it was something I offered and they had not requested - I often felt trapped in my own house and in my circumstances.
But now they are gone. My house is just as I want it… and yet I am still angry. I am struggling with the messes my children and husband make, the fact that they break things, and we don’t always use our finances is the way we had planned. Even with the family gone, life still is so disobedient to my wishes and desires.
Maybe the walls that I am really praying about are regarding my heart. Issues that I swear I had worked through years ago (like materialism) often come roaring back like an all-consuming fire. My mind becomes fixated on something minute and fleeting - like keeping my home perfectly clean. But like the song says, “God hasn’t failed me yet.” He is gracious, patient, and kind to me.
In my heart of hearts, I know that He is faithful in transforming me into His image day-by-day, minute-by-minute - even through my mess-ups and failings. Meanwhile, the prayer continues, “Walking around these walls (walls of my own hardness, lack of grace for others, and materialism) by now I thought they’d fall, but you haven’t failed me yet." Lord break down my walls.